I'm Just Sayin'...

A quick search of the word resolution brings up the following definition, "a formal expression of an opinion or intention." As we lay 2009 to rest, it appears that FB status updates, deep discussions around the water cooler, and a lifetime struggle with breaking promises means that technically...we're all on the same boat. It's offically time to start anew and 2010 couldn't come any sooner! (Can I get an Amen?!) Now knowing exactly what a resolution entails- it explains how I've managed to elude weight loss, fitness goals, and attitude adjustments after all these years. By simply, "stating an intention" there it was...an easy escape, a get out of jail free card; to talk the talk but not necessarily walk the...well- you get my drift.

My closing thoughts for 2009 and sincere wish for all 3 of my loyal blog followers is to always remember to "do you". And when tempted to make another faulty resolution riddled with escape routes- consider making commitments to yourself instead. At the end the day...talk is cheap, baby! So here's to a Happy New You!!!



I dedicate my last post of '09 to a wonderful man whose touched my life in more ways than he'll ever know. To the Rafanan and Pena family- my heart is with you always. RIP, tito Jun. 

Tricks Are For Kids

Whenever I find myself a tad bitchier than usual or have a burning desire to turn an insignificant incident into a major catastrophe- I've learned that what I'm actually doing isn't necessarily the result of being crazy, per se. Apparently, all the pomp and circumstance surrounding the need to make much ado about nothing and dramatize miniscule dilemma's turns out to be...just a big girls' cry for attention. Sensitivity and tears tend to fall by the wayside when you're a product of the Northeast, therefore my way of handling adversity comes in heaping doses of swear words, threats of physical violence, and an unmatched bravado thanks to the streets of Jersey City. But by now, at 36- road rage and emotional outbursts have become mentally draining and truthfully, attention seeking appears to be just as juvenile as shoplifting at the Hudson Mall.

If the only way you know how to convey your message is by kicking and screaming- what's the alternative? For most of us- being recognized and acknowledged is more than enough. Once we've got our pat on the back or cushy corner office- we're good to go. However, on the flip side- there lurks an emotionally damaged and neglected soul whose cries for help, pleas for notoriety, and desperate attempts  to be seen and heard never seem to be quenched no matter how much we mind their business, do what they ask, or listen to the same old stories, again! After countless encounters with "those people" and my own botched attempts at attention seeking - I've concluded that the games we played in our youth no longer have a real place in our future. And you- what games do you play? Do tell...

Mind Over Matter Of Fact

There are certain things I've been threatening to do for years. Write a book on my soccer mom experience, throw out every piece of clothing dating back to 2005, and to not let distraction get in the way of the success that's been eluding me for years. But it seems that every time I go to write and re-write that first chapter, donate my outdated Adriano jeans, or move forward in my plot towards world domination- I find myself immobilized and making excuses for putting off the inevitable. Up until recently- my coping mechanisms included bouts of daydreaming, complaining, blaming, and setting myself up for failure- a complete self sabotager, if you will. I'd justify why I couldn't get things done with pithy excuses like, I can't write if the tv is too loud. I won't workout if I don't have the right playlist. And I HATE constructive criticism therefore- why make the effort? 

At this pace-I would go nowhere. But how do you turn off the voice inside your head that only seems to know the same old, same old? The truth is, you can't tell it to shut the f#@! up if all you're going to do is sit there and listen. Saying I was going to achieve this feat and accomplish that goal meant virtually nothing unless I was prepared to do something about it. So, in lieu of rummaging through the sales rack at Barney's or wallowing in a severe case of island fever, I think I'll spend this holiday weekend bingeing and purging instead...and no, not of the 5 pounds of ham and green bean casserole I've inhaled over the past few days. But more of a mental sort of cleansing...you know, the kind that turns empty threats into reality. And you...what do you hear? Do tell...

Do The Right Thing

Growing up in a traditional Filipino family on the east coast, I've become accustomed to the nuances that make our culture so fascinating. Debutante balls, Santa Cruzan's, and Fil-Am association parties defined old school social networking long before the advent of Facebook or My Space ever existed. I still crave  home cooked delicacies like my Nana's lumpia, Tita Dulce's Kare Kare, or my dad's signature steaks. Since being inducted into the Dimaya clan, I've become a full fledged aunt, sister in law and have inherited 150 more family members. Gatherings for no particular reason is still, to this day, my fondest memory of all. At these shindigs, however, it left you open for the inevitable third degree. With food in the belly and having exhausted all stories about the Philippines, somehow my aunts and uncles would then turn their attention to, "interrogation time". "How's your grades?" "Who's your boyfriend?" "Where are you going to college?" By the time I graduated high school, I was a pro at answering multiple questions. Sometimes, I'd just make things up especially when they seemed to get exasperated if I didn't give them an answer they liked. And though, at times it was terrorizing to be expected to know what the rest of my life was going to look like, I know it was done out of love...well, sometimes at least.
Now well into my 30's I feel as though those times of terror have come in quite handy. While the intensity has lessened, I'm still plagued by who, what, and where? "How's Hawaii?" "Where do you work?" I admire their skills in starting off slow but KNOW this eventually leads to the tougher, more personal subjects about marriage, money, and babies. What I've learned is that despite my expertise at mastering the 20 questions, my answers aren't always what people want to hear. But at this stage in my life, I'm not embellishing on anything. I've learned certain truths about myself, what motivates me, and why I do things. Only I know where I've been, what I've done, and how I feel and though it may not be good enough for some- I know what's right for me. When my single friends tell me they're without a boyfriend, my married friends tell me they want to have 5 children, or my daughter tells me she wants to go to art school after college...I'm nothing but thrilled. Only they can know what's in their heart, where they've been, and how they feel. Who am I to question, "Why?" And you- what do you know? Do tell...

Oh No You Di'nt!

There have been times despite all efforts to remain focused and positive that I find myself tempted by the lure of gossip, living in the past, and reveling in pity. As you know, I have a longer track record with negative emotions and whenever I'm feeling particularly nostalgic or in an unbalanced state of mind- I have a tendency to take a few steps back. Some days, I do admit, I don't readily pass up hearing the latest titillating tidbits about friends of friends and have been known to graciously accept RSVP's down memory lane. I've been embroiled in power struggles both personally and professionally and have on numerous occasions discussed my contempt for certain people over one too many cocktails. During a recent encounter with an old acquaintance I found myself traveling back in time. While reminiscing about the past seemed like an intriguing proposition, I must say that the conversation did get stale after the first 15 minutes. Who dated who, who slept with who, and who hated who in 1990 is as irrelevant today as yesterday's news.

Isn't it ironic that the people and situations teeming with the most venom and negativity actually have a tendency to bring out the very best in you? I'd typically never buy into this concept myself, but after endless run in's with drama queens, miserable hags, and insecure schleps- I can't help but to be thankful that at least, I'm not in their shoes. When I hear them gawk about their petty woes or whine on their tempestuous soap box, all I feel is genuine pity at their obvious attempts for attention. And if I ever find myself trapped alone in a bathroom situation, I'll even goes as far as to offer an insincere smile complete with head nod, all the while thinking in my head, "you're one crazy bitch!"  And just like that, I'm loving the shoes I'm in, grateful for the friends I have, and kissing the ground I walk on. And you- what brings out your very best? Do tell...

Interview with Dr. Feelgood

So few people in this world have the ability to do what they say and say what they mean. Meet one of my very dear friends and comrades-in-arms, Dr. Eso Tiu. Otherwise endearingly known to me and many others as the incomparable, Esofine. (Pure genius! I mean, who comes up with a name like that?!)

Though he's a man who wears many hats from dentist to family man, writer, musician, and entrepreneur- what I've always admired most, is his enthusiasm to help others and his sincere encouragement to be the best you can. When I told him I was thinking about writing a book, the first question he asked was- "Where can I get it?" When I started my blog, he was one of the first to sign up, and whenever I need someone to say "Go for it"- I know he's got my back.

His generosity, good nature, and passion for following his heart allows him to have the patience and faith to one day live out his ultimate dreams. Between his newly produced single, "Invincible" by John V available on Itunes, authoring the "Tooth Survival Guide" available on Amazon.com, and new ventures on the horizon...all I have to say is... "E- Go for yours!"

It's my honor to share a recent interview I did with Eso and his moments of reflection...

(mm): Give us a little history about getting into dentistry:

et: In NYU, I was planning to go to med school. However, I got a job as a dental assistant in midtown Manhattan during my junior year. I was inspired by my experience and never looked back. I found every opportunity to volunteer or work as a dental assistant, and finally found my way. I graduated dental school in 1994 and have been in my current office since 2001. My favorite part of the job is trying to make others feel good about themselves through their appearance.

(mm): In an ideal world- what would you be doing?


et: I would love to have my own music/film studio. At NYU I had to choose between two paths: music and dentistry. I wanted to do both but was advised against it. To be practical, I chose the dental field.

(mm): What 3 things give you energy?

et: 1. Exercise- I believe in starting the day either at the gym or the track. Some of my best ideas were thought of during a workout session.


    2. Developing a new idea or plan: this can be writing a book, song, having a new marketing idea, or starting a new business. Achieving the goal is a motivating, driving force.


    3. Reading about other successful people/companies, learning from them, and trying to apply those lessons in my life. This is just pure inspiration, and can be extremely energizing.


(mm): How are you finding ways to incorporate passion in your life?

et: I try to engage in these activities regularly. I'm a member of a gym, recently published a book, constantly developing marketing strategies for my office, and I try to write music on the side. The tough part is balancing this with family life. You just have to do a little at a time.

(mm): What are your motivating factors?

et: There are 2 words I live my life by, "Help others". The book I wrote was my way of trying to teach people how to avoid cavities and gum disease. Music wise, I've seen and heard a lot of great Fil-Am talent. My company, Esofine Productions is an attempt to get some talent discovered.

(mm): Where can we find you in 5 years?

et: Retired from dentistry and full time in a music/film studio

(mm): What steps are you taking to get there?

et: Over the last several years, I've been building my home studio and learning more about the ins and outs of the music industry. Through my dental practice, I've met a lot of music industry people, producers, and studio engineers. Sometimes when I'm working on a project I'll ask for their advice.

(mm): Thoughts on being a business owner...

et: Starting your own business is VERY SCARY. You're literally putting yourself out there hoping people will somehow find you. Plan and map out EVERY SINGLE ASPECT of a business. Ask yourself, "does it make sense? How can i get financing?  What makes me different?  Can I sell it later...which should be the ultimate goal of every business- a lot of people don't realize this. Finally, what is my backup plan should things not work out?

(mm): Thoughts on venturing into the unknown...

et: Trying something new is like starting a new business. However, it's implying that you're not happy with what you're doing now. So, you have to ask yourself those same questions as above. Or consider the "springboard concept"- use a current success to launch another success. Once you reach a goal, don't sit still- "springboard" yourself to the next level. Then keep springboarding throughout life...

(mm): How do you want to be remembered?

et: I want to be remembered as someone who actively tried to make a difference in people's lives. I wrote my book because I've seen young teens and children needing EXPENSIVE dental work. I want people to avoid this in the future. As I look to exit dentistry, this is my way of telling the world, "this is how I can help you." Again, "helping others"- think of those 2 words every time you go to work, you just might do things differently.

To find Eso- you won't have to look far...

single: Invincible by John V available on Itunes
website: http://www.toothsurvival.com/
book: Tooth Survival Guide: http://www.amazon.com/Tooth-Survival-Guide-Protecting-Preserving/dp/144049309X/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top

Don't Even Go There....

After a recent tete a tete with someone very dear to me- I realized just how much we've both grown through the years. Sensitivity was never a factor in our relationship and in fact, harsh name calling, brutal honesty, and good times at the expense of someone else's feelings were things never factored into the equation- that's just the way things worked. Perhaps you're familiar with this sort of odd, twisted relationship....usually it's reserved exclusively for family members or friends you simply can't get rid of- even after 20 years of trying. On this particular occasion and amidst our typical playful banter, apparently I had crossed the line. In a completely inadvertent move on my part, I made an insulting remark about something very important and suddenly the mood shifted, the clouds rolled in, and fisticuffs came out. I touched on a raw nerve, ventured into unchartered territory, and poked fun at something that was strictly off limits. (examples: weight, religious preference, opinions about their spouse). But luckily, thanks to a decades long relationship and years of unconditional love and honesty, my friend was able to immediately be upfront and though trying to jovially pass it off "as no big deal but that was kinda mean"...I eventually wound up getting the message.

In the past, this sort of misunderstanding would've been grounds for a complete blow up. I'd stomp about my apartment wondering how on earth this person could think "I" was insensitive! And as I was carrying on and cursing the absurdity of the situation, I'd refuse to take any responsibility for being hurtful. Though deep inside I'd feel pangs of guilt and regret, I'd still never admit to any wrong doing. But, as you know...things tend to change over time- especially when you truly care about someone. Unlike my younger days, I confronted the situation head on and averted a full screaming match that involved 3rd parties and nasty FB status updates. I apologized for what I said and much to my own surprise...I sincerely meant it. It occurred to me that this wasn't about me and unfortunately...most things don't center solely around me either. It wasn't about my hurt or anger...here was someone trying to be heard and the least I could do was listen. I realized that this shift in the relationship was now moving us beyond the name calling and petty arguments of our youth and right into the maturity of an honest and caring future. And you...are you listening? Do tell...

Who gives a SH#@!?

When heading for a workout on the elliptical machine, two basics are a must- my ipod and a good read. Having as much distraction as possible to get through 40 minutes of repetitive upper and lower body movement is essential to even consider stepping foot near the gym. And speaking of that good read- I'm not talking about Time Magazine or the latest Eckhart Tolle novel but instead something much more thought provoking and worldly like an US Weekly or People. The combination of eye candy plus deafening music certainly make giving up after the first 15 minutes a lot less probable.

On a recent workout session I spotted the latest Star magazine and discretely snuck it back to my apartment. Giddy with excitement- I began to envision how I'd spend the next 60-90 minutes. I imagined brewing a pot of coffee, hanging a "Do not enter or ELSE" sign from my bedroom door, and delving into the latest gossip, photos, and love trysts of the rich and famous. Some people, like my husband- find comfort in watching non stop ESPN or those God awful poker tournaments but me....just a pile of smutty magazine and I'm in heaven. So, armed with with a cup of java, warning sign posted, and a comfy seat- I dive right in. I flipped through articles on Robert Pattinson's new look, Tiger Woods' infidelity, and even take a stab at the crossword puzzle. An hour later and after re-reading stories I had skimmed over initially, i tossed the magazine on the bed and felt surprisingly...unsatisfied. Hearsay, half truths, and tangled webs are typically the cornerstone of any girls existence and perhaps prompted my preference for tabloid verses Tolkien but today, I found myself thinking, "who cares"?  


Bewildered by my unenthusiam of the juiciest celebrity scoop- it occurred to me that I've got my own problems to worry about nevertheless to fret about the likes of Tori Spelling or Jessica Simpson. With my own dreams to fulfill and debacles to tackle- I have neither the time or energy to think about alleged affairs and botox injections. And though having wads of indispensable cash and a treasure trove of celebrity galpals would be just divine- I still wouldn't trade my puny set of circumstances like my Mini Cooper or watching endless hours of volleyball in a sweaty gym for stints in rehab, eating disorders, and a marriage based on convenience and a million dollar bank account. I'm happy knowing that my mistakes will only affect the few whom I care about and any missteps will be far from front page news. And you...what do you care about? Do tell...

Perfecto!

Quote of the day...."Be excellent to each other."


When I initially read this quote- I interpreted it to mean that I should to be genuine, thoughtful, giving, and compassionate towards everyone I encountered...even the people I couldn't bear the sight of. The message was so simple yet so profound, I figured it was worth a shot. Day 1 and things were just rosy. Day 2 and within minutes of walking into the office- my patience is severely tested. By day 3- I revised the quote which now meant..."it's perfectly acceptable to be excellent only to the people you like." 

The funny thing about interpreting impactful statements, quotes of the day, and inspirational bylines is that inevitably- it could mean something completely different than what the author intended. I soon realized that I took the quote too literally and set myself up for failure, for I knew that it wasn't in me to spew insincere pleasantries or feel the need to share my chocolate macadamia nut cookies with just anyone. Instead the twice revised quote about being excellent to others means...sharing my insight when asked, offering sincerity when needed, and practicing being myself on a daily basis. And you, do you practice what you preach?

Interview with a Master

A few months back, an old childhood friend and I reconnected thanks to FB. Somehow I always knew he'd wind up doing amazing things with his life.

Meet Eddy Rolon- JW Wakeman/PS #6, G&T alum, master of scaling high rise apartments, and founder and owner of Openmat Fitness Training, a veritable haven for combat sports enthusiasts who can spar, share and compare techniques in a low ego yet competitive environment located in Lodi, NJ. Eddy's career began innocently enough in 1996, when he recalls being "forced to monitor UFC fights" as part of his job requirement as a service technician for the local cable company. Eventually with his intense training in Combat Sports and hosting openmat sessions- he was ready to begin competing on his own. Eddy would inevitably win the IFC Battleground Heavyweight Championship in Atlantic City in 2001 against a much bigger and stronger opponent that he beat by submission.  Dubbed, "Smilin Eddy Rolon", he's been both ridiculed and admired as a relaxed and smiling competitor. Ultimately, thanks to a small government loan, working odd jobs to make ends meet, and a love for the combination of skill, athleticism and strategy involved in his craft, Eddy was able to open his own Combat Sports Academy in September 2001. 

Here's a short interview with one of the most inspirational and passionate people I know. A few months ago, Eddy reminded me to just "do what I love". Here's payback for those incredible words of wisdom. Mahalo, old friend! 

(mm)*What were your biggest obstacles/challenges in starting and now maintaining your business?

(er) "FAMILY, money, family, time, family and family juggling are the challenges. I do enjoy the extra time I have with my family compared to the 55 hour average work week I had with the cable company. I now enjoy a 35 – 45 hour work week. But is it really WORK when you love what you do? I slack on marketing since word of mouth has always done so well. I also let paperwork and the boring stuff pile up before I’m forced to address it. I think my ADD is the reason for my successes 
and … what were we talking about?"

(mm) *What keeps you motivated?



(er) "This is fun and very important to some people. I’ve trained active military, law enforcement and people who have been forced to defend themselves out in the real world."

(mm) *Does hard work really pay off? Are you living your dream life?

(er) "A measure of my success is that my children have a much better home life than I did. That makes me happy and proud."

(mm) *Thoughts on starting your own business?

(er) "Trying and failing would have been better than never knowing if you could do it."


(mm) *Eddy Rolon will be remembered as ....

(er) "A great father to his children, husband to his wife and friend to his friends…… Wait a second did you hear something? Am I sick? Who’s my doctor? Will insurance cover it? What’s the deductible? 

For more information on Eddy and Open Training Fitness- check out:  www.teamendgame.com

The Grass is Always Green

In an effort to shake a bit of the holiday blues and a mild case of homesickness, our faux Christmas tree went up this evening. This year marks our fourth Christmas in Hawaii and though it's nothing like being home, I can honestly say that we finally know what to expect. When you trade down jackets and miserable weather for shorts and tropical tradewinds- believe it or not, it does take some getting used to. Especially coming from a humongous family like ours where holiday traditions run decades deep. For over 30 years, its been completely normal for me to suffer through frigid winters, argue with the elderly over parking spots in the mall, and spend time with family and friends through company parties, girls nights, and Christmas dinners. Although since moving, much of the norm far from exists. When temps get down in the low 70's, I admittedly feel a bit chilly, I've given up on arguing with the geriatrics, and while I appreciate the lovely weather, our new friends, and laid back lifestyle- I still can't help but to wish for cashmere scarves, ice skating in Central Park, and bone chilling cold.

But,  how could I know I missed those things if I never left them in the first place? How could I appreciate what I had if I never experience anything new? And how could I know what my heart really wants, if I never feel a piece of it missing? Truthfully, without taking chances and risking the possibility of being wrong- I'd probably never know. Instead of feeling regretful and disappointed about all the things that I missed- what I really feel is...absolutely positive that the bridges I crossed and the roads I traveled was exactly what I needed to do. And you- what chances are you taking? Do tell...

so, you wanna be startin' something...?

One of the things i'm less inclined to do in my life is to not take chances. I credit my parents for their fearlessness and unwavering confidence. I don't recall a time when either of them expressed feeling afraid and even after being diagnosed with cancer- each, held their composure and never wavered as being the pillars of strength. Nor did they ever hesitate while walking through the open doors of opportunity. They made it cool to think, live, and belong outside the box.

But, for the past few years I've been playing it safe. I've jumped from one job to the next and pursued one dream after another but never really paid attention from within. Have you ever felt like there's more out there for you? Does fear hold you back? Are you where you want to be? Up until this point in my life, the answers to those questions were a very sad, depressing, and regretful NO. So, I started soul searching and paid attention to the things I loved to do. Writing meant blogging. Raising my daughter meant being a soccer mom. And helping people find their way means modern malama.

modern malama is my way of giving back. As a writer and health coach, I have a strong desire to help people become "unstuck" and shift their energy towards moving in the right direction. Sign up as an "mm follower" and you'll receive 2 complimentary coaching sessions.

Email me at: modernmalama@gmail.com and let's get started on your way to the real you.

MAHALO!

The obvious theme around this time of the year is of course, gratitude. With the state of the economy and a tentative job market, its forced us all to re-evaluate what's truly important in our lives. Just watch any of the Housewives of Atlanta, OC, or New Jersey and they're all talking about "scaling back" or foreclosing on their mansions and these women don't even work real jobs!! So, for the average non millionaire like myself, that's exactly what I've been doing. I now make a serious effort to live off an allowance and cut back where I can. And instead of cursing my paltry paycheck and taunting my husband with names like "the budget nazi", I'm just thankful for a job in healthcare and that at least one of us is good in arithmetic. 

In tenuous times like these, I've been forced to look at all the stuff I've amassed, relationships I've built, and assess what I do with my time and wonder...just how happy am I? Well, after being on monetary lockdown and no longer being able to spend frivolously, I realized that this concept isn't only applicable in matters of the Benjamins but also in how I live my life. After accumulating way too many acquaintances, housing knick knacks I never use, and wasting time on absolutely nothing, its become apparent that now is the time to start trimming the fat. So, after doing my own "number crunching" and with some serious contemplation- I realized that simplicity in every aspect of life is essential. My version of scaling back however, isn't about moving into a smaller mansion or exchanging a Maserati for a BMW, but instead it's loving and appreciating what I already have and to live a life of gratitude even when we start to live in abundance again. And you...what are you thankful for? Do tell...

High/Low

A few months ago, I experienced some of my happiest moments since moving to Hawaii. A shift in energy caused a chain reaction of positivity and suddenly, I found myself enmeshed in some uncharacteristic behavior like, working out, meditating, and entering contests that I would actually win. Beaming with hope and prosperity, I couldn't imagine life getting any better. In fact, I was so optimistic that I even forgot about being homesick and began to let things roll off my back. Without road rage, impatience, and a need to question why idiots exist...i soon began to wonder just what the hell happened to me? In the midst of this new dawning, I started setting realistic goals, checked things off my to-do list, enjoyed an on-again loving relationship with my husband, and finally- a glimmer of light from the end of the tunnel. Though deep in my heart, my inner pessimist wondered just how long these moments of bliss would actually last?  

Then slowly out of nowhere, just as fast as the good fortune came....so did the bad. A string of disheartening events prompted a downward spiral and I immediately found myself retreating back to basics. The negativity, insecurity, and doubt came rolling back into the picture and there I was feeling just like my old self again. I exercised less, made excuses not to write, and wondered if my perfect marriage was merely a figment of my imagination. And while under normal circumstances I would've allowed myself to dig a much deeper hole, this time seemed to be different. By experiencing the hints of an upswing I realized that my darkest days are far behind me. And while its been interesting getting used to the abnormalness of being cheery and genuinely optimistic, I must say- I do look forward to movin' on up!  And you, do you finally have a piece of the pie? Do tell...

Isn't That Special?!

Through the years, I've learned to appreciate the unique qualities that make the people I love who they are. For example, my husband is fiercely competitive and confidently opinionated. My daughter- introspective and deeply passionate. My puppy- sweet, innocent, and genuine. And me, well- I guess I'm the black sheep of the family as jumping to conclusions and impulsive decision making seem to be some of my better known characteristics. I've never been a fan of "thinking things over" or answering questions with a maybe. If something feels right like, happy hour and buffalo wings - that's an automatic and ecstatic, YES!! But torturous and painful encounters like small talk with people I have nothing in common with or socializing with high school volleyball parents, tend to evoke a very spirited, HELL NO! I've come to a point in my life where I respect someones blatant avoidance of me verses them showing any hint of blatant fakeness. I don't do second chances and once lines have been crossed- it's safe to say that there's no turning back.

Most of the healthy social outlook outlined above comes after years of realizing that not everybody gets you and the few that try, are the one's worth holding on to. I feel extremely blessed for having at least 2 people and a dog accept and love me for who I am. And while I am fully aware that I've become a bit anti social and less enthusiastic about making new friends- I know it's because i've accepted being happy with what I have and who I am. God only knows when my circumstances will change...a book deal here, an Oprah appearance there, and possibly hosting my own tv show would be an incredible twist of fate. But regardless of if and when...i do know for sure that- I couldn't be happier. And you...what makes you so special? Do tell...

Insecurity Blanket

I'd like to think that I always had the ability to easily walk away from tumultuous relationships, unhealthy situations, and bad breakups. But in reality- I probably lingered way longer than I should've. The thing about anything messy and complicated is of course, the element of drama. Who doesn't love the big blowups, confrontations, or having the last laugh? I admit, I've been known to relish in all of the above. I've had my fair share of fights over nothing, feelings of insecurities over ex-girlfriends, and a strong desire to be right even when I'm dead wrong. Its truly been exhausting starring, producing, and directing my version of, "As Leslie's world turns". When your habits include blowing things out of proportion, waiting for the other shoe to drop, and expecting the worst- you're bound to live in world full of questions. Answers certainly didn't come easy for me- I can't help but to question everything. If the moon and stars were perfectly aligned and my life was going just the way I wanted it to- somehow, I would feel like it's all too good to be true. When my now husband asked me to marry him in 1999- i think my first response was, "Are you sure?" And when I received any sort of compliments, I would skeptically say, "Are you serious?" 

Looking back, I attribute much of my doubtfulness and need for the drama, drama, drama to a mean case of insecurity. I found it much easier to hide behind being defensive and angry than to actually accept that perhaps I wasn't the smartest, prettiest, and wittiest woman whose ever walked the planet. (although, let's face it- this may be up for debate!!) But, as the years pile on, so do life's lessons about loss, authenticity, and appreciating what you have. By stepping away from my man made soap opera and allowing some time to flourish, I was able to find out what really matters in life. And let me tell you...it's not about what she said, he said, she said about me, who's in my circle of trust, or how much money I make. I found that being caught up in things like office politics, gossip, and vendetta's are completely, unequivocally, and totally a waste of time and energy. And nowadays, my questions tend to center around whether I'm being the best that I can be, am I doing what's right for my family, and am I appreciating life the way I should? And you...what do you question? Do tell...

The Living Years...

I woke up the other day and found a message waiting in my in box. I felt the email energy and knew just who it would be from. For a few days, I had been corresponding with someone and expected a tit back for my tat. And sure enough- there it was. I’d been secretly fretting over the response and hoped as mature adults, we could see each other’s point of view. I skimmed the email, heart racing, and the first thing that came to my mind at 6:30 in the morning was, “Oh please! You’re so clueless.” And just like that, I scampered around my bedroom, got ready for the gym, and nonchalantly mentioned the email to my husband. We both laughed, went back and forth about conspiracy theories, and inevitably concluded that some people really suck at communicating! After spending seven and a half more minutes of my life on this nonsense-  I decided that I wouldn’t waste another second worrying, complaining, or obsessing about something I had no control over.

 

In all honesty, this same scenario would’ve had the “old me” reeling for days. I can picture it now…I imagine reading the email, jolting my husband out of his peaceful sleep, and evoking my inner sailor’s penchant for curse words and angry snarls. With hands flailing and visions of committing lewd acts on my cyber nemesis- I would’ve simply allowed myself to stew on frustration and conclude that not only do people suck at communicating, but that the chip on my shoulder seemed to be getting heavier by the minute. My long and tumultuous love affair with over reacting, sweating the small stuff, and feeling powerless to change was after all, a nasty habit that I just couldn’t shake.  And while I’d love to tell you that one day I woke up, read a dozen “Chicken Soup for the Soul” books, and made 3 decades of carefully crafted insecurities magically disappear- we all know that things are never as easy as they seem. 

But, with a little soul searching and honesty I began to welcome clarity and perspective into my life. Instead of letting my pride and ego ruin my sensibility, I began to do, say, and act from the heart. I let my guard down in order to experience a world outside my comfort zone,  and I began to regain control over who, where, and what I am. In my dad's last letter to my siblings and I he wrote, “it’s not what life did to you but what you’ve done in your life.” For a man with so little time in this world, he sure knew how to live! And you...are you living the dream? Do tell...

 

Head Check

When I look back on these past few years, I can’t help but to conclude that my best friend and worst enemy has brought out my brilliance and self-destruction, my confidence and insecurity, and decades worth of both, happiness and pain. No, no- it isn't my husband…I have other colorful descriptives for him which I’ll save for another day. But instead my little frenemy is called…down time. Since moving to Hawaii, I seem to have a lot of it and while most would kill for 5 minutes of peace and quiet, trust me…being alone with your thoughts isn’t always tranquil. Back in Jersey, surrounded by the noise of the city, the distraction of family, and a rolodex of friends willing to grab a late night cocktail on any given day, I found little to no time to amuse myself as the constant stimulation kept me wired, exhausted, and craving for an island locale complete with a pina colada and some SPF 50. Now that my wish has come true and not only do I live on an island with copious amounts of fruity, tropical drinks, and an endless supply of sun, but I’ve also managed to shed some of the fatigue and go, go, go of the east coast..

I call this, my decompression period. With time to think, reflect, and find ways to amuse myself- it hasn’t always been fun or pretty but truthfully, it has been enlightening. Before I figured out what to do with all this spare time, I used to use it as a vehicle for feeling sorry for myself, daydreaming about my big break, or finding reasons to be annoyed with life. Ironically, while living in Jersey- these were precisely the same complaints I just loved to stew on. And now, being in Hawaii I had even more time to do it. My reality check came when I found myself canoodling with people who were just as pessimistic and cynical as I was. It dawned on me that if living a life of leisure surrounded by a gorgeous backdrop and balmy weather with more free time than I could handle wasn’t the problem then neither was the fast paced east coast, surrounded by more family and friends than I knew what to do with. So, what is the problem, you say? Well, it turns out...the real enemy is all in my head.

The pleasure is all mine...

Over the years, I've gotten myself into a few sticky situations. After much reflection, I attribute this to my insatiable impulsivity and a desire to live in the moment. The combination seems to have worked thus far however, my track record speaks for itself.  Not one for long term employment, or easily dissuade by challenges, I often take on my fair share of risks and then question, "what the hell was I thinking?" Not only does this apply to my experiences but also to the people i've met along the way. Eager to make a connection and hoping to develop new friendships- I've often come to the same, sad conclusion as stated above. 

Unfortunately- not every relationship/experience/opportunity is meant to be. I've found that my impulsiveness has lead me on a never ending search for the next big thing with results that are far more interesting than they are fruitful. 20 jobs in the last decade and a half, a move to an island, and 3 honest attempts at a career change has me thinking that i've been a bit distracted in my adult years. Perhaps there is nothing wrong with being the company "lifer" or nurturing friendships for the sake of a warm body and a shoulder to cry on. How could I know i didn't give up too easily when I barely gave people, places, and things a fighting chance or at least 25 months to prove otherwise? 

Well, along with the gift of impatience- I've also developed the habit of not questioning my decisions, I refuse to beat myself up over the past, and have thoroughly enjoyed being exactly who I am. In the end, its been my pursuit for happiness, my quest for living the dream, and for always following my heart even when the path leads me off course, which inevitably brings me closer to where I want to be. And you...where are you going? Do tell...

Ocean Views

Over the years and thanks to a wide variety of friends, a stint as a psych nurse, and a motley crew of acquaintances, I've been privy to an entire spectrum of human behavior, with my own antics subject to some serious speculation. Thankfully, being surrounded by the right people with sincere intentions and a genuine interest in my life has made for a fabulous existence. Though, I can't help but wonder about the emotionally crippled that walk amongst every day. You're probably quite familiar with the type, whether it's the chronic complainers, the miserable who loves company, or the proverbial victims that tend to sway on the far side of the spectrum. Preferably, I avoid them at all costs but sometimes, you just can't.  

Thanks to my novice SUP skills, I often find myself crossing paths with an oblivious swimmer in the middle of the ocean. Luckily, no head on  collisions have been reported however, I did find myself up close and personal with a not so happy camper yesterday. With the sun beaming and the water temp just right, one would think that life couldn't get any better, right? Unless of course, you're the miserable, righteous hag who reprimanded me for infringing upon her swimming territory. Baffled and caught off guard, I wanted to retort something snippy like, "Hey lady, it's a freaking ocean not a kiddie pool!" But instead, took the high road and acted as if I didn't just hear that. The incident got me thinking about those with emotional handicaps who operate as if the world doesn't have enough room, opportunities, and experiences for everyone. I gazed at the massive ocean then back at the hag and was reminded of how small a tainted view can make the world appear. Funny thing is, life is just like the ocean...there's always enough room for everybody. What's getting in your way? Do tell...

Do you, baby!

Despite my maniacal driving skills and a scary dose of road rage against student drivers who just have to take lessons on a Sunday morning,  I still managed to get to Bikram 10 minutes late. Flustered, I tried to look inconspicuous as I rubbernecked the jam packed class for a spot. I inadvertently got the attention of the instructor who pointed to a teeny space up front. Mortified, I jumped right in and tried to avoid the glare of my neighbors who I had now, just violated their personal space. Feeling tense with images of berating my husband for making me late, I began to lose balance and focused on the heat and stench instead. Then, a distraction! A sweet, portly elderly woman wearing polyester pants and a knit top fell while attempting a pose. I had seen her before in previous weeks and wondered how the hell she managed to endure 90 minutes of torture in polyester? But, week after week- she comes back for more and thankfully, hasn't succumbed to wearing a sports bra and daisy dukes.

The incident got me thinking about the commitments we make. After granny hit the ground, it snapped me back into focus and I finished the class. In lieu of harboring anger towards my husband and teenage drivers- I simply let it go. Instead, I gave myself credit for not copping out and felt invigorated that I had done something positive so damn early on a Sunday morning. And though granny might have taken a little tumble- I thought about her amazing resilience. She could care less about wearing breathable fabric. All she really wants is to be in a room that's 107 degrees, surrounded by people whom she could be the great, great grandmother of. But hey! Talk about commitment! It was at this time, I decided that all commitments aren’t created equal. It’s the one’s that make you look and feel good, the one’s that make you want to spread love, and the one’s that bring joy to others, which are thought to be the one’s most worth committing to. How do you...DO you? Do tell…

UP, UP, & Away...

Just recently, I learned the art of straying from self inflicted bouts of doubt, feelings of isolation and a host of other negative habits that have kept me nice and stifled for years. Feeling bloated, lethargic, and depressed at 36 is not particularly attractive nor does it hold the keys to a loving and nurturing marriage. In fact, quite the opposite. So, one day I simply came to the realization that with nothing to lose, I would do just that…the opposite. Instinctively, curling up to a bowl of cheetos, suffering from long spells of writer’s block, and spewing negative commentary at anything that looked at me funny were all warm and fuzzy comfort measures. However, in my best effort towards self improvement and for the sake of raising a child without mommy issues, I became physically active, listened more than I spoke, and started to take accountability over my decisions.

Over time… I began to see things like silver linings, unicorns, and glasses that were half full. As evolution must, this is a process that takes time. I still battle my urges to judge, load up on carbs, and deny myself the pleasure of an occasional pity party. For so long, feeling bad meant feeling normal. It’s a dark road I hope to never cross again. And you- what have you got to lose? Do tell…

That's whatSUP!

Two months ago, on a whim I decided to enter a local TV station's essay contest about why i wanted to live a healthy lifestyle. The topic was completely foreign considering how out of touch I was about anything that resembled living the picture of perfect health. And while residing in Hawaii, working out, cutting carbs, and not by choice- eating brown rice instead of white all looked good on paper, I still couldn't shake the negativity that permeated my outlook. I blamed my impotent endorphins for my lack of happiness and felt a constant need to sweat the small stuff to justify my hourly mood swings.  All of which started to get old and lacked the same luster as it did in my 20's, making this as good a time as any to seek change. My entry, written at midnight was a rambling dissertation about genetic predispositions and a desire to finally start living. Half asleep, buzzed off a glass of Merlot, and feeling confident, I clicked the submit button and hoped for the best. 

A week later i received an email that i had won the contest. The grand prize, an intense 8 week course of stand up paddle (SUP) sessions. (think of standing on a surfboard using a paddle to maneuver through the waters at Ala Moana Beach). Not only did this mean i had to spend more than my usual 5 minutes in the ocean but i needed to perfect balancing on a paddle board AND try my best not to drown. So far, this has been a transformational experience. Aside from finally developing some muscle tone, I've also strayed from the comforts of frustration and irritability, and can honestly testify that when you mix a little whim, a glass of Merlot, and a desire to live...only good things happen! What's your concoction? Do tell...

the sisterhood of the traveling panties

Last Thursday my friend, Jen and I decided to check out Oahu's latest stylist gone fashion designer and her new launch at the Honolulu Design Center. Very reminiscent of Forever 21 meets Honolulu night life- it definitely suits its purpose here on the islands. If you're unfamiliar with the image, imagine this...an eclectic mix of Asians complete with surfer-esque body types and a bit too much MAC makeup for my taste but nevertheless, cute as hell! Pre-show, Jen and I indulged in a bit too much wine then moved on to the hard liquor when the show started an hour and half late. (who did these people think they were, Zac Posen!?) 

Despite the 90 minute wait, it gave us a chance to catch up.  Listening intently, we gabbed about the latest dish on work, husbands, prospective children, and the realization that moments like these were so few and far between. Back home, i have a group of 4 girlfriends whom i consider mi familia. And even after nearly 4 years away from Jersey,  they're as firmly planted in my heart as the day that i left. I miss them immensely but have learned that making new friends in a new playground is absolutely essential. My numerous attempts to make my husband girlfriend #5 have failed miserably. He's completely uninterested in my philosophical views on Project Runway, has no patience for my incessant bitching about the Housewives of Atlanta, and although occasionally indulges me by watching Sex in the City re-runs...i can tell his heart isn't in it. So, I've learned a very important lesson in the power of girlfriends. Though husbands are great for moonlight walks on the beach and procreation....NOTHING replaces another woman's perspective and their shared love for Carrie Bradshaw.  Who's in your circle of trust? Do tell...

soccer mom confidential

August marks the beginning of our daughter's 4th and final high school volleyball season. Typically, this means late nights, dinners a la the concession stand, and a VERY cranky teenager. An added twist to an already frenetic schedule is our puppy, Phifer who has adapted quite well to her new found latch key status since volleyball started. And just like seasons past, my husband and I turn up the Jersey and embody the ultra competitive, hyper critical, and wanna be positive "soccer parents". Yes, yes...we are THOSE parents. The one's who out cheer the cheer leading squad, coach our kid from the sidelines, and conjure up conspiracy theories about bad calls and perfect lineups. And while our methods have proven to be unconventional and/or extreme especially for the mild manner of Hawaii, its never deterred us from supporting our girl who goes off to play at NC State next fall. The experience has been amazing though admittedly, i would trade some of the unpleasantries associated with competition. From the insane father who wanted to fist fight my husband because his daughter didn't get a starting position to passive aggressive mothers who take snack schedules to a whole other level. I've since learned that although my voice may travel through the gym like i carry around a megaphone at least i'm not ridiculously bitter or anal about baking cupcakes with sprinkles! 

So as the beginning to the end of her high school career moves along, I make it a point to enjoy every minute. As a veteran varsity mom, I now feel qualified to dispense advice on how to maneuver through a season unscathed, although the reality is you probably can't. In the end and through it all, I think what really matters is that she knows we're there to cheer our hearts out, heckle the ref, and remind her to..."Reach, baby, reach"! How do you help the one's you love? Do tell...