down and dirty...

Picture this...a group of women venting their frustrations about marriage, work, kids, weight- you name it. The conversation can take place anywhere- the lunch room, happy hour, adjoining bathroom stalls- it doesn't matter. When it comes to expressing how we feel and what we think- location is hardly relevant. And therefore- thanks again to those who've submitted your very insightful and honest questions to modern malama. I couldn't do it without you. Much mahalos.

dear modern malama, 
How do I fight fair when my significant other doesn't? And by the way, marriage counseling is not an option. Signed, Down and Dirty


dearest down and dirty, 
As kids we're often told by our parents to ignore certain behaviors. If the resident racist wants to make derogatory slurs...don't listen. If the 6 foot, eleven year old bully steals your lunch money...deal with it- she's probably poor. And if the popular kids want to poke fun at you for being different...well, in 20 years they'll most likely live in a trailer park and drink white Zinfindel out of a box. So perhaps- "oh, just ignore them" isn't such bad advice after all. 

But as we get older, find our voices, and gain confidence- ignoring ignorance isn't as easy as the old sticks and stones adage. In fact- words can indeed be very hurtful. And if you're accustomed to doing more shutting up than throwing down- fighting, whether it's clean or dirty... may make you feel just like that kid in the schoolyard all over again. However, this time you're older and wiser. And when it comes to relationships- just remember...there's a huge difference between making a point and wanting to fight. If all you want to do is voice your opinion then go right ahead, sister. Speak up and say it loud. This marriage, commitment, debauchery is a two way street and don't you forget it! But if all your honey bear wants to do is incite World War 3....then I say go a little old school and just ignore 'em. 


always, mm

choose or lose...

Between the Real Housewives of New York and New Jersey- I've seen enough vicious cat fighting, plastic surgery, and brutal honesty to pacify any curiosity I had about what the filthy rich do in their spare time. A little charitable deed here to feed the homeless, a little backstabbing there to your one time BFF and voila! The perfect recipe for a spin off, a ratings smash, and glimpses into why you should never cross a Jersey girl. (table flipping is optional though highly probable). And though you'll often find me glued to the television with my mouth gaping and enthusiastically awaiting next weeks episode- I must admit...reality tv drama: good. Real life drama: bad, at least for me, that is. In a nutshell, I'm too old to give a shit so quite frankly- let's not even go there.

Although despite avoiding certain situations, distancing yourself from toxic people, and maintaining a relatively drama free existence- the truth is, you can run but you can't hide. A couple of recent encounters tempted me to revisit some past behaviors and instead of playing along with the mind games and getting caught up in those silly little webs- I knew I had to choose. Would I be the typical finger pointing, loud mouth who rolled out the welcome mat every time major conflict and upheaval arose? (Ohhh- how I miss those days!) Or, would I simply choose the alternative? I mean, sure life gets a little redundant minus the conspiracy theories and daily gossiping but quite frankly, my dear...I don't give a shit. And you...do you believe the hearsay? Do tell...

coming of age

A few days ago my daughter celebrated her 18th birthday. Growing up in American society, technically speaking, that makes her a bonafide adult. But if I hold on to my traditional Filipina roots-  technically, there's no telling when she'll stop being my little girl. I mean, let's face it- I know grown men and women who, to this day, are still coddled, supported, and financiered by their immigrant parents...that's just how we Filipinos do. Unfortunately, my parents never got that memo so I can't say I've been privy to the indulgence, but I have seen quite a bit of it in my lifetime. And while I'm all about sticking to tradition- I have no intention nor the funds to continue bank rolling what I'm sure will be, an absolutely fabulous lifestyle. Soon enough, letting go- is inevitable.

Tonight as my daughter and her friends readied for their first foray into the club scene- I couldn't help but  reminisce about my own club days at the Limelight and Down Under many (well, not THAT many) years ago. In all the excitement I must admit, I did contemplate this evenings options. A night of clubbing with a bunch of teenagers or the season premiere of Top Chef DC? For the sake of good common sense and realizing that my heyday has passed- Bravo proved victorious and so did I. If letting go is the ultimate objective- I guess starting now- will lessen the blow in the future. Inevitably, we all have to grow up someday. And you...when do you cut the cord? Do tell...

guilt by association

Over the next few weeks- I'll be posting questions that center around things we think but probably never say out loud- especially when it comes to relationships and parenting. Wait- let me rephrase that...perhaps after heavy prompting, multiple glasses of Chardonnay, on the verge or in the midst of a complete meltdown- we're finally ready to tell it like it is. Thank you to those brave souls who've shared their stories, seek clarity, and maybe....just maybe- you begin to live life on your terms- not anyone elses. Wishing you the best!!

dear modern malama,

How do I not feel guilty about spending time with my husband without the kids? How do I not feel guilty for wanting time with the girls, working out, etc? Basically, how do I not feel guilty? Signed, Seeking guilty pleasures.

dearest seeking guilty pleasures,


I'd never advocate for teenage pregnancy however, there is an upside to youthful indiscretions. Being a teenage mother myself- I can attest to the fact that there were 2 kids in the equation...my baby and me. Unable to fully grasp the concept that the life I knew was supposed to end when I became a mom- I simply never bought into that train of thought. So, while balancing bedtime stories with Rutgers RAPS parties- I walked the fine line of mothering my daughter yet nurturing myself. My naivety and underdeveloped guilty conscience apparently served me well in those days. I couldn't ignore all the things I still wanted to do, go, be, or see just because I was a mother. And while my life changed dramatically and it wasn't ALL about me anymore....did that mean NONE of it was about me? Often times, guilt is self inflicted. For some inexplicable reason- with the advent of a nuclear family complete with mini van, and a labrador- we can't help but associate pleasure without the guilt. Perhaps now may be a good time to re-evaluate how much of your life belongs to you. Is it all or none? Or could you possibly wind up in the middle? Somewhere between being a good mom while still nurturing yourself- guilt free, of course.


always, mm

fearLES

I know, I know...long time, no write. But at least I've got viable excuses like my daughters high school graduation, playing tour guide, and a bit of soul searching over the past 2 weeks to fall back on. Too much on the brain has put me in an uninspired state of mind and for the 20 of you who are kind enough to read my blog- I couldn't bear to bring you down with me. Fortunately- the cloud has lifted and the whirlwind surrounding yet another milestone has subsided. It's back to business but not the usual kind. I figure- what's the sense of soul searching if you're not going to make any changes? And technically speaking- what's the point in reveling in ah-ha moments if status quo really isn't that bad? What I've uncovered is that I'm chock full of excuses and remain begrudgingly as is because you know what? I've got everything I need- time, talent, and fear....the perfect cocktail for complacency. 

But in these moments of clarity- I realized that fear is natural, time is a blessing, and talent is a gift. What's kept me immobile all these years hasn't been the fear of failing but the fear of success. What if I became a published writer? What if I hosted my own tv show? And what if I achieved everything I said I would? How scary would that be? And you- what are you afraid of? Do tell...



As part of my campaign for success- I've submitted an audition tape to Oprah who's looking for talent for her new OWN Network. I mean, what's so scary about that? 
http://myown.oprah.com/audition/index.html?request=add_video&entity_id=208121280

once upon a time, do tell...

This next modern malama question came just in the nick of time. Convinced that perhaps this dabbling in Dear Abby was an official bust after only 2 posts and a screeching halt to all the hundreds of questions I thought I'd get- I was either going to start making up bogus scenario's OR re-evaluate whether coaching is my true calling. And just as fate would have it...in popped the question, "is this really it?" Literally. Thanks for sharing!

dear modern malama,

I'm 35, married, have two children, and a very promising career. However there are plenty of times when I stop and think to myself..."This is it? IS this really it? Am I searching for something else? Shouldn't I be satisfied with what I have now?" Everyone I know would kill to have what I have...but why do I still ask myself..."is this it?" Signed, Questions and Answers

dearest q&a,

My oh my- long gone are the days when our biggest dilemma centered around which hairspray had better volume control and long lasting hold- Aqua Net or Rave? Wouldn't you kill for just a few more minutes of mindless indiscretion? To think about nothing more than Goldschlager shots, shopping at Contempo Casuals, and masterminding the future? To be fearless and naive; when the sky was the limit and you believed in everything you said.


Fast forward 20 years and downing shots and frivolous spending is all but a thing of the past. (for most of us, at least) With a promising career on the horizon and a growing family to care for- what's really the alternative to being responsible? Truthfully- there is none. You've simply gotta do- what you gotta do. But does that mean that this is it? Are you supposed to be satisfied with a six figure income and a house in the burbs? You're absolutely right- some people would kill to have what you do. But clearly your doubts mean something more, something missing, something a cushy job and a golden retriever can't fix. So, here's a better question- one that's inspired by youth and fearlessness....instead of asking whether this is it, why not figure out, what's next? Your job, your family- that's covered. But YOU on the other hand- sky's the limit, right?! Or so you said once upon a time...

always, mm

change is inevitable...

Wouldn't it would be absolutely divine to wake in the morning full of energy and commitment towards bettering your life? Whatever change you seek- whether it's losing five pounds, starting a new career, or simply having a more positive outlook, the fact of the matter is- change doesn't happen overnight. It's a gradual process that's been studied by researchers and psychologists for years. This weeks health coaching session is centered around the stages of change by Dr. James Prochaska which I'd love to share with you. It's a great way to see where you're at, figure out where you want to be, and hopefully make it all the way to the new you. I'd love to know where you're at- drop me a line at modernmalama@gmail.com and let's get you moving right along...

Stages of change:

1. Pre-contemplation: at this stage you don't recognize there's a problem or lack insight into your own behavior and patterns. Precontemplators resist change because they deny there's a problem and choose to remain ignorant despite constantly gravitating towards bad choices. In this stage- there's a deep sense of hopelessness and demoralization. Change is often too big to even think of, let alone talk about. (habits may include: smoking, obesity, alcoholism)

2. Contemplation: finally- some sort of acknowledgement that a problem exists as you begin to think of ways to solve it.  At this stage you realize that you're stuck, struggle to understand, analyze, and intellectualize the problem. You may devise a plan to work on it over the next 6 months but the truth is- there's no real commitment. Essentially, you're aware of what's going on but not quite ready to make a real change. Stalling due to fear of failure is often the nature of contemplators.

3. Preparation: you're ready to take action within the next month. You've made verbal proclamations and taken small steps towards changing your habits. But still, you harbor some ambivalence which needs to be resolved. Perhaps you're holding on to a past belief that stops you from moving forward (ie: thinking you're not as pretty as the other girls, you've never been athletic, you've always been the chubby kid) These self limiting beliefs may be so engrained in your psyche that changing feels more like an uphill battle rather than something that will ultimately make you, a better you.

4. Action: this stage takes the most commitment and energy. You've started to modify your behavior and surroundings. Visible changes are evident- you look great, feel fantastic, exude confidence. There's a change in your level of awareness, self image, emotional reactions, and perceptions. All movement in this stage is significant...it's not just thinking or talking about it- you're actually doing something about it!

5. Maintenance: the most challenging aspect of change comes in the form of relapsing back into old habits. Here's what you have to understand: change doesn't end with the action. A re-commitment at this stage is vital in order move forward not back. This is an ongoing process and a point where you'll need to remind yourself why you sought change to begin with.

6. Termination: this is ultimately where you want to be. Your problematic behavior/pattern/habit is no longer a temptation, threat or consideration. With self confidence and a new perspective on your capabilities- I'm sure you'll tackle everything thinking, "problem? what problem?"