coming of age

A few days ago my daughter celebrated her 18th birthday. Growing up in American society, technically speaking, that makes her a bonafide adult. But if I hold on to my traditional Filipina roots-  technically, there's no telling when she'll stop being my little girl. I mean, let's face it- I know grown men and women who, to this day, are still coddled, supported, and financiered by their immigrant parents...that's just how we Filipinos do. Unfortunately, my parents never got that memo so I can't say I've been privy to the indulgence, but I have seen quite a bit of it in my lifetime. And while I'm all about sticking to tradition- I have no intention nor the funds to continue bank rolling what I'm sure will be, an absolutely fabulous lifestyle. Soon enough, letting go- is inevitable.

Tonight as my daughter and her friends readied for their first foray into the club scene- I couldn't help but  reminisce about my own club days at the Limelight and Down Under many (well, not THAT many) years ago. In all the excitement I must admit, I did contemplate this evenings options. A night of clubbing with a bunch of teenagers or the season premiere of Top Chef DC? For the sake of good common sense and realizing that my heyday has passed- Bravo proved victorious and so did I. If letting go is the ultimate objective- I guess starting now- will lessen the blow in the future. Inevitably, we all have to grow up someday. And you...when do you cut the cord? Do tell...

guilt by association

Over the next few weeks- I'll be posting questions that center around things we think but probably never say out loud- especially when it comes to relationships and parenting. Wait- let me rephrase that...perhaps after heavy prompting, multiple glasses of Chardonnay, on the verge or in the midst of a complete meltdown- we're finally ready to tell it like it is. Thank you to those brave souls who've shared their stories, seek clarity, and maybe....just maybe- you begin to live life on your terms- not anyone elses. Wishing you the best!!

dear modern malama,

How do I not feel guilty about spending time with my husband without the kids? How do I not feel guilty for wanting time with the girls, working out, etc? Basically, how do I not feel guilty? Signed, Seeking guilty pleasures.

dearest seeking guilty pleasures,


I'd never advocate for teenage pregnancy however, there is an upside to youthful indiscretions. Being a teenage mother myself- I can attest to the fact that there were 2 kids in the equation...my baby and me. Unable to fully grasp the concept that the life I knew was supposed to end when I became a mom- I simply never bought into that train of thought. So, while balancing bedtime stories with Rutgers RAPS parties- I walked the fine line of mothering my daughter yet nurturing myself. My naivety and underdeveloped guilty conscience apparently served me well in those days. I couldn't ignore all the things I still wanted to do, go, be, or see just because I was a mother. And while my life changed dramatically and it wasn't ALL about me anymore....did that mean NONE of it was about me? Often times, guilt is self inflicted. For some inexplicable reason- with the advent of a nuclear family complete with mini van, and a labrador- we can't help but associate pleasure without the guilt. Perhaps now may be a good time to re-evaluate how much of your life belongs to you. Is it all or none? Or could you possibly wind up in the middle? Somewhere between being a good mom while still nurturing yourself- guilt free, of course.


always, mm

fearLES

I know, I know...long time, no write. But at least I've got viable excuses like my daughters high school graduation, playing tour guide, and a bit of soul searching over the past 2 weeks to fall back on. Too much on the brain has put me in an uninspired state of mind and for the 20 of you who are kind enough to read my blog- I couldn't bear to bring you down with me. Fortunately- the cloud has lifted and the whirlwind surrounding yet another milestone has subsided. It's back to business but not the usual kind. I figure- what's the sense of soul searching if you're not going to make any changes? And technically speaking- what's the point in reveling in ah-ha moments if status quo really isn't that bad? What I've uncovered is that I'm chock full of excuses and remain begrudgingly as is because you know what? I've got everything I need- time, talent, and fear....the perfect cocktail for complacency. 

But in these moments of clarity- I realized that fear is natural, time is a blessing, and talent is a gift. What's kept me immobile all these years hasn't been the fear of failing but the fear of success. What if I became a published writer? What if I hosted my own tv show? And what if I achieved everything I said I would? How scary would that be? And you- what are you afraid of? Do tell...



As part of my campaign for success- I've submitted an audition tape to Oprah who's looking for talent for her new OWN Network. I mean, what's so scary about that? 
http://myown.oprah.com/audition/index.html?request=add_video&entity_id=208121280

once upon a time, do tell...

This next modern malama question came just in the nick of time. Convinced that perhaps this dabbling in Dear Abby was an official bust after only 2 posts and a screeching halt to all the hundreds of questions I thought I'd get- I was either going to start making up bogus scenario's OR re-evaluate whether coaching is my true calling. And just as fate would have it...in popped the question, "is this really it?" Literally. Thanks for sharing!

dear modern malama,

I'm 35, married, have two children, and a very promising career. However there are plenty of times when I stop and think to myself..."This is it? IS this really it? Am I searching for something else? Shouldn't I be satisfied with what I have now?" Everyone I know would kill to have what I have...but why do I still ask myself..."is this it?" Signed, Questions and Answers

dearest q&a,

My oh my- long gone are the days when our biggest dilemma centered around which hairspray had better volume control and long lasting hold- Aqua Net or Rave? Wouldn't you kill for just a few more minutes of mindless indiscretion? To think about nothing more than Goldschlager shots, shopping at Contempo Casuals, and masterminding the future? To be fearless and naive; when the sky was the limit and you believed in everything you said.


Fast forward 20 years and downing shots and frivolous spending is all but a thing of the past. (for most of us, at least) With a promising career on the horizon and a growing family to care for- what's really the alternative to being responsible? Truthfully- there is none. You've simply gotta do- what you gotta do. But does that mean that this is it? Are you supposed to be satisfied with a six figure income and a house in the burbs? You're absolutely right- some people would kill to have what you do. But clearly your doubts mean something more, something missing, something a cushy job and a golden retriever can't fix. So, here's a better question- one that's inspired by youth and fearlessness....instead of asking whether this is it, why not figure out, what's next? Your job, your family- that's covered. But YOU on the other hand- sky's the limit, right?! Or so you said once upon a time...

always, mm

change is inevitable...

Wouldn't it would be absolutely divine to wake in the morning full of energy and commitment towards bettering your life? Whatever change you seek- whether it's losing five pounds, starting a new career, or simply having a more positive outlook, the fact of the matter is- change doesn't happen overnight. It's a gradual process that's been studied by researchers and psychologists for years. This weeks health coaching session is centered around the stages of change by Dr. James Prochaska which I'd love to share with you. It's a great way to see where you're at, figure out where you want to be, and hopefully make it all the way to the new you. I'd love to know where you're at- drop me a line at modernmalama@gmail.com and let's get you moving right along...

Stages of change:

1. Pre-contemplation: at this stage you don't recognize there's a problem or lack insight into your own behavior and patterns. Precontemplators resist change because they deny there's a problem and choose to remain ignorant despite constantly gravitating towards bad choices. In this stage- there's a deep sense of hopelessness and demoralization. Change is often too big to even think of, let alone talk about. (habits may include: smoking, obesity, alcoholism)

2. Contemplation: finally- some sort of acknowledgement that a problem exists as you begin to think of ways to solve it.  At this stage you realize that you're stuck, struggle to understand, analyze, and intellectualize the problem. You may devise a plan to work on it over the next 6 months but the truth is- there's no real commitment. Essentially, you're aware of what's going on but not quite ready to make a real change. Stalling due to fear of failure is often the nature of contemplators.

3. Preparation: you're ready to take action within the next month. You've made verbal proclamations and taken small steps towards changing your habits. But still, you harbor some ambivalence which needs to be resolved. Perhaps you're holding on to a past belief that stops you from moving forward (ie: thinking you're not as pretty as the other girls, you've never been athletic, you've always been the chubby kid) These self limiting beliefs may be so engrained in your psyche that changing feels more like an uphill battle rather than something that will ultimately make you, a better you.

4. Action: this stage takes the most commitment and energy. You've started to modify your behavior and surroundings. Visible changes are evident- you look great, feel fantastic, exude confidence. There's a change in your level of awareness, self image, emotional reactions, and perceptions. All movement in this stage is significant...it's not just thinking or talking about it- you're actually doing something about it!

5. Maintenance: the most challenging aspect of change comes in the form of relapsing back into old habits. Here's what you have to understand: change doesn't end with the action. A re-commitment at this stage is vital in order move forward not back. This is an ongoing process and a point where you'll need to remind yourself why you sought change to begin with.

6. Termination: this is ultimately where you want to be. Your problematic behavior/pattern/habit is no longer a temptation, threat or consideration. With self confidence and a new perspective on your capabilities- I'm sure you'll tackle everything thinking, "problem? what problem?"

do tell...

The questions just keep rolling in! Okay, technically they're only trickling in but in any case- thanks for sharing this intimate part of yourself. Sometimes we just have to ask ourselves the right questions in order to get the right answers...thanks for telling!

dear modern malama,
So normally I'm good about this kind of stuff but sometimes- when I let myself fall back into the dark abyss of insecurity thanks to the tequila fairy usually, I drive myself crazy--how do you get over unwarranted jealousy when no one gave you any reason at all? Signed, Under the influence

dearest under the influence,
Well, the obvious answer would be to steer clear of the Cuervo but come on- that's ludicrous! So let's get right to the heart of the matter. Unwarranted jealousy isn't the byproduct of a drunken girls night out or too many bottles of wine at Le Mer but instead something that lives and breathes below the surface. All it takes is one too many Patron shots and BAM- there it is... rearing its ugly, whiny, insecure little head. So, let me ask...which is the real you? The confident, intelligent, witty girl with the great fashion sense and fabulous life? Or is that girl? Full of fear, anxiety, and a low sense of self worth? For some of us- it's a combination of both. We can essentially have it all- great life, cushy job and still wonder why someone else has it better? But the real question is, 'what's it to you'? Someone else's better anything will never be what you already have. If we're constantly measuring ourselves against others- when do we have time to appreciate and love that girl? You know, the one with the great fashion sense and sparkly personality? But I guess you'd have to believe that in order for it to be true, don't you think? 

always, mm

have your cake and eat it....

My last post was my first foray into professional advice giving. Albeit simple and straightforward- the general consensus is that you can always count on me to state the obvious. Sometimes, being too close to a situation, whether it's finding balance or maintaining your identity, it's best to take a step back and get reacquainted...with yourself. "Wanting it all" had the challenges of family, work, and well... wanting it all. And while I'd love to have the right answers- technically, my forte is more so in asking the right questions. Through the years and after many futile attempts at reading self help books and watching The Secret dvd ad nauseam- I finally gave in to the fact that no one knows me better than I know myself. But let's face it- who wants to take a cold hard look in the mirror without some Laura Mercier tinted moisturizer and a little Maybelline mascara? Taking off the makeup is one thing but loving who you see is another.

I often wonder about the people in my life who want it all. (present company included) I think about how much marriage and parenthood changes who we are and what we want. How weekends are no longer about partying, unless of course you consider Chuck E Cheese a hot spot; and how investing in the future isn't about purchasing yet another Gucci handbag, but saving up for a college education. And while sacrifices in sleep, luxury goods, and downtime are essential - I can't help but wonder...how do we maintain our identity if we don't know who we are anymore? Hmmm...do tell?