change is inevitable...

Wouldn't it would be absolutely divine to wake in the morning full of energy and commitment towards bettering your life? Whatever change you seek- whether it's losing five pounds, starting a new career, or simply having a more positive outlook, the fact of the matter is- change doesn't happen overnight. It's a gradual process that's been studied by researchers and psychologists for years. This weeks health coaching session is centered around the stages of change by Dr. James Prochaska which I'd love to share with you. It's a great way to see where you're at, figure out where you want to be, and hopefully make it all the way to the new you. I'd love to know where you're at- drop me a line at modernmalama@gmail.com and let's get you moving right along...

Stages of change:

1. Pre-contemplation: at this stage you don't recognize there's a problem or lack insight into your own behavior and patterns. Precontemplators resist change because they deny there's a problem and choose to remain ignorant despite constantly gravitating towards bad choices. In this stage- there's a deep sense of hopelessness and demoralization. Change is often too big to even think of, let alone talk about. (habits may include: smoking, obesity, alcoholism)

2. Contemplation: finally- some sort of acknowledgement that a problem exists as you begin to think of ways to solve it.  At this stage you realize that you're stuck, struggle to understand, analyze, and intellectualize the problem. You may devise a plan to work on it over the next 6 months but the truth is- there's no real commitment. Essentially, you're aware of what's going on but not quite ready to make a real change. Stalling due to fear of failure is often the nature of contemplators.

3. Preparation: you're ready to take action within the next month. You've made verbal proclamations and taken small steps towards changing your habits. But still, you harbor some ambivalence which needs to be resolved. Perhaps you're holding on to a past belief that stops you from moving forward (ie: thinking you're not as pretty as the other girls, you've never been athletic, you've always been the chubby kid) These self limiting beliefs may be so engrained in your psyche that changing feels more like an uphill battle rather than something that will ultimately make you, a better you.

4. Action: this stage takes the most commitment and energy. You've started to modify your behavior and surroundings. Visible changes are evident- you look great, feel fantastic, exude confidence. There's a change in your level of awareness, self image, emotional reactions, and perceptions. All movement in this stage is significant...it's not just thinking or talking about it- you're actually doing something about it!

5. Maintenance: the most challenging aspect of change comes in the form of relapsing back into old habits. Here's what you have to understand: change doesn't end with the action. A re-commitment at this stage is vital in order move forward not back. This is an ongoing process and a point where you'll need to remind yourself why you sought change to begin with.

6. Termination: this is ultimately where you want to be. Your problematic behavior/pattern/habit is no longer a temptation, threat or consideration. With self confidence and a new perspective on your capabilities- I'm sure you'll tackle everything thinking, "problem? what problem?"

do tell...

The questions just keep rolling in! Okay, technically they're only trickling in but in any case- thanks for sharing this intimate part of yourself. Sometimes we just have to ask ourselves the right questions in order to get the right answers...thanks for telling!

dear modern malama,
So normally I'm good about this kind of stuff but sometimes- when I let myself fall back into the dark abyss of insecurity thanks to the tequila fairy usually, I drive myself crazy--how do you get over unwarranted jealousy when no one gave you any reason at all? Signed, Under the influence

dearest under the influence,
Well, the obvious answer would be to steer clear of the Cuervo but come on- that's ludicrous! So let's get right to the heart of the matter. Unwarranted jealousy isn't the byproduct of a drunken girls night out or too many bottles of wine at Le Mer but instead something that lives and breathes below the surface. All it takes is one too many Patron shots and BAM- there it is... rearing its ugly, whiny, insecure little head. So, let me ask...which is the real you? The confident, intelligent, witty girl with the great fashion sense and fabulous life? Or is that girl? Full of fear, anxiety, and a low sense of self worth? For some of us- it's a combination of both. We can essentially have it all- great life, cushy job and still wonder why someone else has it better? But the real question is, 'what's it to you'? Someone else's better anything will never be what you already have. If we're constantly measuring ourselves against others- when do we have time to appreciate and love that girl? You know, the one with the great fashion sense and sparkly personality? But I guess you'd have to believe that in order for it to be true, don't you think? 

always, mm

have your cake and eat it....

My last post was my first foray into professional advice giving. Albeit simple and straightforward- the general consensus is that you can always count on me to state the obvious. Sometimes, being too close to a situation, whether it's finding balance or maintaining your identity, it's best to take a step back and get reacquainted...with yourself. "Wanting it all" had the challenges of family, work, and well... wanting it all. And while I'd love to have the right answers- technically, my forte is more so in asking the right questions. Through the years and after many futile attempts at reading self help books and watching The Secret dvd ad nauseam- I finally gave in to the fact that no one knows me better than I know myself. But let's face it- who wants to take a cold hard look in the mirror without some Laura Mercier tinted moisturizer and a little Maybelline mascara? Taking off the makeup is one thing but loving who you see is another.

I often wonder about the people in my life who want it all. (present company included) I think about how much marriage and parenthood changes who we are and what we want. How weekends are no longer about partying, unless of course you consider Chuck E Cheese a hot spot; and how investing in the future isn't about purchasing yet another Gucci handbag, but saving up for a college education. And while sacrifices in sleep, luxury goods, and downtime are essential - I can't help but wonder...how do we maintain our identity if we don't know who we are anymore? Hmmm...do tell?

someone told...

For over a year now- I've been fortunate enough to share a part of my life with you thanks to this blog. Outlets are overwhelmingly therapeutic whether they're creative ones, a shoulder to cry on, or a sympathetic ear because let's face it- in one way or another- we all need to be heard. As many (well, okay 17) of you know- I always end my little anecdotes with a "do tell" and much to my surprise someone did tell and not only that- they need advice. And you know me- glad to be of assistance! And you...do you have any burning questions on improving your lifestyle, making healthy changes, or feeling stuck these days? Do tell...at modernmalama@gmail.com


dear modern malama,

I've decided to leave my job (seriously, I resigned on Monday) and wonder what my next move is? With 2 young kids, I struggle with wanting to be there for them, but also knowing I need the outlet of a job to keep me sane. How do working mothers do it? How do you balance the responsibilities of being a mother, wife, while also keeping your identity as your own person? Signed, Wanting it all


dearest wanting it all, 


Ahhhh, that tricky thing we call balance. As women (the natural multi-taskers) we're accustomed to being many things to many different people. Where it gets oh so sticky is when we want to excel at the office, bake homemade chocolate chip cookies with our kids, and muster the energy to show affection to our husbands. But in the midst of taking care of everyone else's boo-boo's, deadlines, and libido's- it's no wonder you wonder about what's next. Truthfully, when was the last time you put yourself first? Maintaining your own identity is a very personal journey that only you know the answers to. Aside from  family and a fat bonus at work - what makes YOU happy? Working out, cooking in the nude (hey, people are strange!), fly fishing? Whatever it is...write it down. Notice the energy shift in your body when you focus on things YOU like to do and by God woman- DO THEM!! And do it knowing that imbalance comes when we, the natural multi-taskers, don't factor our needs into the equation. And yes- this may mean the occasional Betty Crocker cake mix, less time watching American Idol, and more time investing energy into the things that invigorate you-both personally and professionally. And don't be surprised at how fabulous you feel when you finally put yourself first...at last!! 


all my love, MM 

let's get it on...

A few years ago I resigned from yet another fruitless job. A notorious cubicle jumper- my 4 page checkered resume is a testament to that. I suppose it has a lot to do with a phobia of long term commitments and feeling stuck doing something I loathe rather than something I love. And yes, I agree- loathe is a strong word for someone in the helping profession but let's face it...I'm no aspiring Florence Nightingale here. But in the midst of all this job jumping- I have learned a thing or two about the importance of pursuing your dreams. One of the best pieces of advice I got was during an exit interview with a former boss. As I rambled on about what an honor it was to work for the company and profusely apologized for leaving, he simply said- "leslie- you've got to do what turns you on." Turns me on? I had no clue.

Turns out, he was absolutely right. Going from one position to another, in search of the next title, or higher salary wasn't exactly a formula for success. So instead of wasting time and energy on the insignificant things like another unfulfilling career move or commiserating with office intel on the latest gossip...I started doing things that turned me on. I read more, I write much much more, and I'm very merry (or at least I try)- every single chance I get. Because when you're in hot pursuit of the things that fill you up and give you life- it's bound to be labor, that's love. And you...what turns you on? Do tell...

mothers intuition...

After 15 years together it's rare that my husband and I agree on much except for Top Chef, my occasional interest in Sports Nation, and a shared passion for good parenting.  I'll never forget the day he got a Jerry Maguire look in his eyes as he watched our daughter throw a ball across the room. What was purely good hand/eye coordination for a 3 year old somehow took us much further than we ever imagined. The day things changed for me came a few years later at a Junior Olympics volleyball tournament in Chicago. Our coach- a rough around the edges, no nonsense Italian drilled work ethic and excellence to a bunch of 10 year olds without a lick of concern for feelings, emotions, and/or hormones. And though I often shudder thinking about his abrasive tone and look of disgust after a loss- I do give him credit for one thing. In the middle of berating players and parents after a lousy performance in the Windy City, he turned to me and said, "Here's the thing about Carsen- she's a typical blue chip player." Caught off guard- I immediately thought, 'oh my gosh- is that a bad thing'? Not only am I not athletic with zero knowledge of sports terminology, but his stoic facial expression didn't give any indication that perhaps this was a compliment. As we bolted out of the gym, I nervously called my husband and asked, "what the hell are blue chips?" After 15 minutes of reassurance and examples of other blue chip players (Jordan, Bryant, Taurasi)- the only thought that occurred to me was- 'Okay- so then she can play college volleyball, right?' My husband- the natural realist and bonafide athlete in the family went into a dissertation I didn't even bother paying attention to. And as for me, the proverbial idealist and lifelong dreamer in the family- I knew that in this moment...I'd never question that thought again.  

Seven years later and in just a few short weeks, our daughter heads off to NC State as a Division 1 student athlete. My days of daydreaming, hours of being held hostage in sweaty gyms, and years of wondering whether we were good enough parents have led us to this moment, and without question- I knew we'd be here someday. And you...what are you absolutely sure of? Do tell...

sharing is caring...

As of this moment- I'm 11 weeks into my B1 training course with 8 weeks separating me from being a Certified Health Coach. To date- I admit...I've become much more grounded, self aware, and best of all...I've learned to appreciate the intricacies of life, particularly my own. Between modern malama, my work as a health coach, and the infinite possibilities that lie ahead- I am hopeful that somehow, in a large or small way- I can make the world we live in a better place. Below you'll find a very uplifting and insightful blog by one of my fellow Health Coaching classmates, Maureen Miller. Enjoy...I know I do.

Be inspirational, people! Do great things!!

http://livinglifemakingchoices.wordpress.com/

always, les