sugar and spice...

Listen, there’s no question- I think my mother did a fine job raising her family. As a single mother with 3 kids, a full time job and her own aspirations- where she excelled, like many other Filipino parents, was at working 16 hour shifts and enforcing discipline thru the use of kitchen gadgets and plastic hangers. While in the present day striking your child with a wooden spoon may land you probation and a day in family court, my mom still vehemently proclaims- “That was not neglect!” in her high pitched Visayan accent, “that was love!”  Well, call it what you like. All I know is- I don’t mess with the woman. And while I credit Lil (my mom) for passing down such lovely traits as “the look of death” and a disregard for public humiliation of teenagers- which, ironically made me a stronger person; I do wish she taught me a thing or two about being vulnerable. Being raised by an alpha female- there are only 2 options. Kill. Or be killed (figuratively, of course).

 

Therefore things like compassion and kindness are more self taught rather than being a part of my genetic makeup. When dealing with a frustrating situation- my natural tendency is to want to incite physical harm.When dealt the blow of rejection- the obvious solution is to find a sharp object. And when backed into a corner- you go right for the jugular. But truthfully, a little bit of reflection and a deeper sense of self awareness would've served me far better than the impermeable fortress I built to protect my heart. As a modern day mother- I'm less inclined to work a minute over an 8 hour shift and don't feel the urge to grab a utensil every time I lose it. And instead of flying off the handle...I encourage my daughter to just handle things. And while my emotional maturity has a lot of catching up to do- I take comfort knowing I'm only 38 on paper. And you...are you still a kid at heart? (figuratively, of course) do tell...

**this is an ode to the greatest woman I know. Lil- you're one in a billion!! (literally!)

voices carry....

After an 8 month hiatus and having officially adapted (very well, I may add) back to my old mainland ways (think- road rage and cursing like you really f@!#ing mean it) I'd say it's time to put the fingers to the keyboard and get write on it! I've always had a bit of a love/hate relationship with all my ambitious follies but none gives me greater satisfaction than to write. A former boss once asked me what I'd like to do with the rest of my life and I told him, "If i could get paid for just being myself- that would be a dream come true." Now, what that really means and how it translates to a viable career...I haven't the foggiest. But what I do know is this...I can either continue to work my menial 9-5 with a bunch of middle aged women obsessed with Kashi meals and passive aggressiveness; who coincidentally, consider climbing 2 flights of stairs a workout (outta my way, granny!) OR.....

Yes, clearly- it is time to come out of hiding (mostly due to writers block and a heaping dose of self loathing- I really do hate those voices!) and start living the dream. How, when, or WTF?!...are TBD.  And so, it's times like this when I remember my dad saying, "It always starts with the first step." So, here I go. But not without the self loather creeping in- "But, but-  you always say that!" And in true Leslie fashion- where rebuffs are a mix of eloquence and expletives...well, we all know where this is going. But- here's something I don't know- how do YOU respond to the voices in your head? do tell...


**to all those that have encouraged me along the way...thank you, from the bottom of my heart!