the benefits of doubt...

Some call me cynical while others deem me cautious. Growing up in the inner city- being leery of scam artists, liars, and crooks is as good a defense mechanism as knowing how to throw down at a school yard brawl. Being both a participant and a spectator at many an old school melee complete with knuckle rings, Vaseline, and aluminum bats- can you really blame a girl for being so guarded? In my day, (I cannot believe I'm old enough to write that!) street smarts wasn't just about knowing where your ass shouldn't be after dark, it was about instincts. And more importantly, trusting them. Over the years, I've moved further from those humble beginnings. Coincidentally, to places where people never look over their shoulders or have ever ordered Chinese takeout through a bullet proof window. And though its been an arduous transition, I must admit, taking the dog for an evening stroll without the threat of being jumped and/or mugged is truly a novel idea!

But, no matter how far or how long I've journeyed from home- the one thing I've never lost are my gut instincts. Its learned everything from the past, keeps me focused on the future, and weeds out the minutiae. And though I live in a more homogeneous community riddled with over achievers and overpriced chicken wings, as a true city girl at heart- I can still sense bad intentions from a mile away; I know a liar when I see one, and honey, cross me and I wouldn't even think twice about taking off the gold hoop earrings and slapping on the Vaseline! And you...when in doubt- who do you trust? Do tell...

carolina on my mind...

A few days prior to a long awaited weekend getaway, in which I would bask in the hot Carolina sun (with heaping doses of Maui Babe), sip margaritas poolside (like a drunk housewife), and live it up like a trust fund baby (think Suri Cruise)- I was rudely reminded that hurricane Irene was fast approaching with a vengeance. To add to mother natures cruel way of messing with me- DC was hit with a 5.8 magnitude earthquake 3 days before the trip. Truthfully, there aren't many things that prohibit me from getting what I want. But 2 natural disasters in the same week?! The visions of cabana cocktails and harmful sun exposure was fading faster than my base tan. I mean, who was I to challenge 40mph winds and shifting tectonic plates?

Between Sam Champion predicting a category 4 hurricane and my Debbie Downer co-worker gleefully singing the Eurythmics classic, "Here comes the rain again" on a daily basis (you crotchety whale)..our situation looked more than bleak. Without Greek god powers or a voodoo rain dance- canceling the trip seemed eminent. Unless of course, there was hope or at least a glimmer of it; hell, at this point- give me a speck. And so against the advice of the weather channel- we packed our bags, checked into our flight, and arrived at the airport early (which, on Filipino time means right before boarding). It turns out that hoping for the best, turning off the news, and tuning out the haters was the smartest thing we'd done all week. Luckily, Irene bypassed the coast and we were met with nothing but sunny skies, southern hospitality, and vodka infused Arnold Palmers. I suppose no one can ever really predict how things will turn out regardless of the world we live in. In the end, when there's nothing left...there's always hope. Or at least I hope so. And you? do tell...

sugar and spice...

Listen, there’s no question- I think my mother did a fine job raising her family. As a single mother with 3 kids, a full time job and her own aspirations- where she excelled, like many other Filipino parents, was at working 16 hour shifts and enforcing discipline thru the use of kitchen gadgets and plastic hangers. While in the present day striking your child with a wooden spoon may land you probation and a day in family court, my mom still vehemently proclaims- “That was not neglect!” in her high pitched Visayan accent, “that was love!”  Well, call it what you like. All I know is- I don’t mess with the woman. And while I credit Lil (my mom) for passing down such lovely traits as “the look of death” and a disregard for public humiliation of teenagers- which, ironically made me a stronger person; I do wish she taught me a thing or two about being vulnerable. Being raised by an alpha female- there are only 2 options. Kill. Or be killed (figuratively, of course).

 

Therefore things like compassion and kindness are more self taught rather than being a part of my genetic makeup. When dealing with a frustrating situation- my natural tendency is to want to incite physical harm.When dealt the blow of rejection- the obvious solution is to find a sharp object. And when backed into a corner- you go right for the jugular. But truthfully, a little bit of reflection and a deeper sense of self awareness would've served me far better than the impermeable fortress I built to protect my heart. As a modern day mother- I'm less inclined to work a minute over an 8 hour shift and don't feel the urge to grab a utensil every time I lose it. And instead of flying off the handle...I encourage my daughter to just handle things. And while my emotional maturity has a lot of catching up to do- I take comfort knowing I'm only 38 on paper. And you...are you still a kid at heart? (figuratively, of course) do tell...

**this is an ode to the greatest woman I know. Lil- you're one in a billion!! (literally!)

voices carry....

After an 8 month hiatus and having officially adapted (very well, I may add) back to my old mainland ways (think- road rage and cursing like you really f@!#ing mean it) I'd say it's time to put the fingers to the keyboard and get write on it! I've always had a bit of a love/hate relationship with all my ambitious follies but none gives me greater satisfaction than to write. A former boss once asked me what I'd like to do with the rest of my life and I told him, "If i could get paid for just being myself- that would be a dream come true." Now, what that really means and how it translates to a viable career...I haven't the foggiest. But what I do know is this...I can either continue to work my menial 9-5 with a bunch of middle aged women obsessed with Kashi meals and passive aggressiveness; who coincidentally, consider climbing 2 flights of stairs a workout (outta my way, granny!) OR.....

Yes, clearly- it is time to come out of hiding (mostly due to writers block and a heaping dose of self loathing- I really do hate those voices!) and start living the dream. How, when, or WTF?!...are TBD.  And so, it's times like this when I remember my dad saying, "It always starts with the first step." So, here I go. But not without the self loather creeping in- "But, but-  you always say that!" And in true Leslie fashion- where rebuffs are a mix of eloquence and expletives...well, we all know where this is going. But- here's something I don't know- how do YOU respond to the voices in your head? do tell...


**to all those that have encouraged me along the way...thank you, from the bottom of my heart!

growing pains...

Whenever relationships in my life go awry I can't help but think about my childhood best friend. And coincidentally whenever relationships in my daughter's life takes a turn- I am demonically compelled to share this story, yet again, for the seventeen thousandth time. Basically it goes a little something like this: the year was 1987; I had a BFF that I was gonna KIT with 4eva and eva; we planned on having a dual garden wedding (obviously married to brothers), live in the same neighborhood, and star in the Asian version of the Golden Girls. Life was perfect...she was the Betty White to my Bea Arthur and we were going to live happily ever after. Until the day she decided to move on without so much as a phone call or an explanation. Like most pubescent 14 year olds- not only was I hormonal but devastatingly heart broken.

Relationships are funny that way- nobody expects an expiration date unless of course, things start to smell a little fishy. As a teenager- you could've graffitied the writing on the wall in neon spray paint and bubble letters and I still would've been clueless about our doomed friendship. But now at 37- I know a connection when I feel one and am positive when I don't. In life, some relationships will go south while others flourish. You may be completely misunderstood by one and then appear crystal clear to another. And though we may not want to admit it- all things (yes, ALL) will come to its inevitable end. But if time has taught me anything- it's to celebrate what I have and cherish what I had. Because let's face it- without a little humility...how grown up are we? do tell...

bits and pieces...

Whenever anyone asks whether I miss Hawaii- my immediate response is a very casual, "not really." Fully expecting a "why the hell not or WTF is wrong with you?" I quickly launch into a laundry list of reasons for leaving one of the most beautiful places on earth. Typically- family, boredom and distance top the pile of excuses which to me, make perfect sense. But being that it's now the dead of January- with temps hovering in the teens, snuggled beneath comforters, cashmere socks, and flannel PJ's- I do find myself wondering, "WTF is wrong with you?"

And while I stand behind my decision to forgo 365 days of sunshine- what I've come to realize is that perhaps I suffer from a case of selective memory. Just like when my husband says I hear what I want...I guess you could say, my recollection is just as finicky. I mean, it's not as if seasonal affect disorder or sarcasm and a condescending tone are anything new. They're merely survival tools for east coast living- that I recall (vividly). And though Honolulu is becoming a distant memory- I'll never forget how far a smile and a disposable cooler could take you. At the end of the day- don't we all see, hear, and feel what we want...even when the memories are kind of fuzzy? do tell...

for all we know....

With the new decade upon us- I can't help but reflect on the last 10 years of my life. Going from 27 to 37 I've learned, has not only sharpened my hawk-like instincts but has also made me much more self aware and oh so wise to the ways of the world. Although, on the flip side, I must say- time has also been somewhat of a mean, cruel, practical joker. With the advent of visible crows feet, a pinch more cynicism, and longing for my PJ's and a Lifetime movie on a Saturday night (Craigslist Killer, anyone?!)- I'm totally feeling the wiser but seriously...does OLDER really need to be par for the course?

But I guess in relative terms- young is to naive; as old is to being enlightened. And though I miss the Pollyanna optimism of my 20's- I must admit- knowing exactly who I am, what truly matters, and who absolutely counts is an invaluable lesson that only time will tell. And while many things in life have succumbed to alterations like facial elasticity and multiple changes of address- I guess the only thing I know for certain is that the next 10 years should be a helluva good time!! And you...what does your future hold? do tell...